holes

i'm really numb today. i woke up to bad news and bad news continued all day. even until right now. my heart is numb and i don't feel anything. i am not sure if i want to.

i am reminded that death is inevitable. it is going to happen and it is going to happen to the ones that you love and care about. death in any form is hard. whether it is death of a person or death of a relationship. death hurts. but we must not fear death. many times i become selfish, wishing the ones i've lost were with me, here, on the earth. but why would i wish them back here to pain. back here to hardships, when their new bodied are shining and bright. where there is no crying, no shame, no sickness, no holes. i would never wish them back here, but i can only wish for my going to them.

holes. i don't like talking about holes. but i have one right now. a hole of uncertainty i guess. a hole of confusion. a hole that i know will be filled, but how? i have no idea. praying for the hole is all i can do. can't hold on, that just rips it wider. painful, yes. overpowering, not by God's grace.

words

its official. i am terrible at this blogging thing. i forget that i even have it sometimes. my bad to the three people who read this.

a lot of things have fallen on my plate. pretty simple things. however simple they may be, they are still occupying this limited space on my plate. a lot of things are different these days too. i guess that comes with growing and learning.

the main reason i started this blog was to get things out into the open; to more or less remind myself of what is currently happening in my life. my own personal thoughts out for whomever to read. but lately i haven't been so giving with my feelings. many of my fears have come back, whether it is being judged or criticized i am not sure. still the fears do exist. writing is not so easy as it once was.

it's way to late for me to be developing any of this. so maybe next time.