honesty.

disclaimer- this post contains information that is heart- related.

today was a busier sunday for me.

not only did i get to sing at cornerstone, i had a recruitment workshop [insert smily face about that one...]. i also went to walmart, found i had a low tire, went to two gas stations, and made my way to the dorms to work on IJM stuff.

next week is our big fundraiser. we are having a day at town creek park with games and local bands to raise money to free a slave from sex trafficking. it is going to be really awesome, so if you live in auburn [or near auburn] come and support the International Justice Mission and everything we are trying to do.

any who,

while on my errands today i had a convo with mom. she is such a wonderful woman, with the greatest advice and wisdom i could ever ask for. God has truly given me so much in her...

but i feel like i have to be honest with myself.

this semester has been wonderful... truly i have learned so much and experienced a great amount of things... but i am at a place that i have not been in quite some time. and if i am honest with myself, i found this angst inside to be a wrestling match with God to accept His timing and His promises.

I always ask the Lord to give me clear, open and closed door situations in my life. that way, i have no doubt as to what he is doing. i believe God wants us to pray specific prayers. ones that are direct. He already knows our hearts, so why not just be honest with him.

and i was. and then i became disappointed with His clear, closed door answers.

i am being honest. and this is part of the depths of my heart. and i am not sure what has compelled me to share this for the world to see, but here it is.

i am so sad that God took Jessica away. i am lost in a confusion as to why he would take her home right now. i know He is a just God, and i know there is a reason he needed her home. but yet, honestly, i am hurting.

i had all these feelings of invincibility to these type of situations. i always felt i was stronger than that. pride comes before the fall right?

i am working through this. daily. as much as possible. in the word, digging around, soaking in what my heavenly father says. it is part of the relationship. about growth.

when i am honest about today, uganda just yelled at me the whole time. first, the choir from Uganda at church. then my IJM friend had on a mocha club t-shirt [it sponsors kids in africa]. i had to describe a place for an article, and i could only think about Buloba. i got a text from Lauren, who went to uganda with me, and Simon is in Auburn. i had no clue.

i know his plan is perfect. i know he gives and he takes away. i know he has great things in store for me because he tells me this in his word. i am supposed to be light in a dark place [brian, thank you for reminding me of that...]. i know that if i continue to press on toward this goal, i will glorify him with my life. because it isn't about me, it's about him.

and honestly, i feel better not that i threw that out there.